


candidule tres

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Fighting, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, One Shot Collection, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, hurt!Jared, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-22 05:51:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13160607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: Jared, Connor, and Evan navigating the disaster that is life (in many alternate universes)





	1. perditus et instituo

**Author's Note:**

> theres vague descriptions of suicide and self harm, stay safe friends

Evan used to imagine things would get better after high school. That’s what his mom had told him. That’s what Jared had told him. That’s what Connor had told him. And for a while, Evan let himself believe it. He let those lies into his heart because a part of him held onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, they were right. Evan knew his anxiety wouldn’t magically go away, he knew he wouldn’t suddenly be cured of his depression, but he thought that things might be easier. 

Spoiler alert: they didn’t. 

Everything got worse. After the disaster that was the summer before his senior year he pulled away from everyone. Jared and Connor seemed hurt by it at first and Evan thought that maybe he was making a mistake. But then Evan saw the two of them talking more and more around the school. It was weird, the three of them had been friends but those two had never talked much before then. It didn’t take a detective to realize they only tolerated each other for Evan’s sake. Once Evan pulled away they found each other. 

They didn’t need Evan anymore.

So Evan started to hide. It sounded childish, but that’s what Evan was, wasn’t it? He couldn’t talk to strangers. He got nervous when people raised their voices. He was still afraid to open up to his mom about his problems. He was the definition of childish. 

Evan was vaguely aware that Connor and Jared started dating sometime around winter break but he didn’t know the details, his mom had mentioned it in passing after going to the Kleinman’s for dinner alone (Evan had wanted to go with her but started panicking, it took all of him to calm down enough so he could convince her to go alone. He wasn’t sure what she told him but Jared nor Connor tried to confront him about it, then again he hadn’t talked to either of them in weeks at that point.). 

He graduated alone. It wasn’t surprising. Connor and Jared were his only friends and he pushed them away. Jared graduated with honors and Connor got a special mention by the principal, apparently he had turned his grades around and finished senior year with straight A’s. Evan was proud of both of them but he’d never get the chance to tell them. They’d wouldn’t welcome him back, not anymore. It had been too long. 

It’s funny. 

Evan spent hours worrying about what he said during the day and going over potential conversation topics so he’d always have something to say but when it came to the two people who meant the most to him (Evan was just a fleeting thought in their minds, there was no way he could mean anything to them) he drew a blank. He couldn’t talk to them. He couldn’t tell them the truth. 

He couldn’t tell anyone the truth. 

College is expensive. Heidi had no problem with Evan taking a gap year, especially after he told her he wanted to work, to try and work on a college fund. She had said she was proud of him. 

It hurt. Because Heidi didn’t know the truth. 

It wasn’t a college fund. He wasn’t going to make it to college. He was alone, why should he bother going? He’d be stuck at a community college with nobody. Evan wasn’t destined for greatness. He wasn’t going to be a computer science major like Jared or an english-arts major like Connor. 

Was it weird to keep tabs on them? They used to be his best friends. They both posted on social media and Evan still followed them. It wasn’t like the information wasn’t public. 

Evan wasn’t sure. He wasn't sure of a lot of things. Except this. This was the most sure he had been in a while. He wasn’t going to mess it up this time. The tree had been a fluke. He wasn’t high enough, the branches slowed him down too much. This was going to work. (Evan had to fight back the voice in his head that reminded him this was how Connor had tried junior year.)  
It had been a year since he last had a proper conversation with Jared and Connor. They shared awkward goodbyes before they took off to university in August. Evan would have done it sooner, but he wanted to be sure he had saved enough. His mom wouldn’t have to worry about the funeral costs, all of it was in Evan’s savings account. He had left her a note explaining it.  
He looked down at the knife in his hands. It was the one he and Connor had taken from Jared. Evan opened it. He stared at his reflection in the blade. Was this what he wanted? It wasn’t too late. (Evan reminded himself that stopping now would mean living without Connor and Jared.)

Evan brought the knife down against his skin. It hurt. Fuck, it hurt. He wasn’t even pressing down hard enough to do any lasting damage. 

_You’re weak, Evan. You couldn’t tell them you needed help so you pushed them away. You deserve this. You don’t deserve them._

Evan slashed his arm. A single cut would do for now. No one was going to find him, not here. He wanted this to last. 

Evan set the knife down next to him. He picked up his phone and looked at the text. He had wrote it over spring break when Connor and Jared were posting couple pictures from the beach. It was an apology and a goodbye. He owed them that. 

_**TO: jared, connor** _

_**I’m sorry. The past year has been one mistake after another. My biggest was pushing the two of you away. I’ll never be able to fix it and I don’t expect to. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and goodbye.** _

He reread the message before sending it. Evan silenced his phone and threw it as far as he could. He leaned back against the tree and looked up. Maybe this time he’d get things right. 

\----

Connor was happy. 

Three years ago he never thought he’d say that sentence again, but he was happy. Evan had pulled him from the darkness into the light and when seemed like he was falling Jared had latched on and refused to let go. In turn he tried his hardest to keep them floating with him. Jared was there, secure in a life preserver but Evan was lost along the way. Connor would say leaving Evan behind was his biggest mistake. Evan was the sunlight and Jared was the moonlight to Connor’s black hole. For a while things seemed perfect, but then everything fell apart. 

Jared had called Connor when Evan broke his arm, not because Evan had wanted him to but because Heidi did. Heidi had told them Evan was trying to hide it from them and it scared her so they said they would talk to him, only they couldn’t. Evan pushed them away. He ignored their texts and when school started he avoided them in the hallways. Neither of them knew what to make of it. Evan had always been there but suddenly it was just the two of them. They confided in each other and somehow found out they shared a lot of interests. 

Evan was the biggest but that could have been expected. It seemed like half the school knew about their mutual crush on him, everyone but Evan himself. Getting together was easy. They made plans to tell Evan (and maybe try and hit on him) when he came over for a holiday dinner at the Kleinman’s but Heidi came alone. She smiled sadly at them and said Evan wasn’t feeling well. Both of them knew it was a lie, Heidi looked worried and worn out but they didn’t say anything. What could they say? They hadn’t spoken to Evan in weeks. 

The rest of senior year was a blur of study dates and weekend trips. They went to the beach for spring break, something they had tried to invite Evan to but Heidi had said wasn’t the best idea at the time. It hurt them knowing they were going on a vacation while Evan was in such a bad place but they knew they wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. 

They skipped prom. Connor almost skipped graduation but Jared managed to convince him to go. Connor knew it was because last year he had cried to Jared and Evan about not making it to graduation. Jared was proud of him and didn’t want him to miss it. 

Once again they looked for Evan at graduation but he managed to avoid them. It hurt but neither of them were willing to give up yet. Evan didn’t give up on them when they were hurting, they couldn’t do it to him. 

It was impossible to see him over the summer unless they wanted to bug Evan at his new job. Connor had to stop Jared from marching over there, as much as they wanted to talk with Evan they didn’t want him to get fired, especially since Evan was putting himself out there. They didn’t a chance to see him until Heidi dragged him over to Jared’s house minutes before they started the hour drive to their new university. It wasn’t much time but both of them could see how bad he was doing. His stuttering was worse than it had been last year and he kept looking around like he was worried someone was going to jump out at him. 

They didn’t get to voice their concern before Jared’s parents were ushering them into the van and Connor’s were getting into the truck holding most of their things. 

That led them to this moment. They shared Connor’s bed and used Jared’s as a spare and for extra storage. Jared was lying next to Connor, his head on his chest, when they got the text. Jared didn’t bother to check his phone but Connor had been scrolling through Twitter when it popped up. His heart started beating when he saw the name. Connor pulled up the message, his heart dropping as he read the words.

_**FROM: Ev** _

_**I’m sorry. The past year has been one mistake after another. My biggest was pushing the two of you away. I’ll never be able to fix it and I don’t expect to. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and goodbye.** _

“Fuck.” Jared perked up, looking to Connor with questions in his eyes. Connor ignored him in favor of dialing Evan’s number. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” 

“Uh, babe, you alright?” 

Connor shook his head and tried calling again when it went to voicemail because what Evan sent them read an awful like a suicide note. “Texts.”

Jared frowned and reached over Connor for his phone. Connor watched as he read the message and understood the meaning. “I’m calling Heidi.” 

“Dammit, Evan. Pick up your fucking phone.” The call went to voicemail again and Connor threw his phone across the room in frustration. Jared jumped at the sound of it hitting the wall. Connor wrapped his arms around Jared. Jared calmed him down. 

“Heidi! Hi, it’s Jared. Yeah, I uh, had a question about Evan? He hasn’t talked to Connor or I in like, a long time, but he just sent us a weird text that could be nothing but it sounds like a goodbye. And we’re worried. Really worried.” 

Connor’s grip on Jared’s arms tightened for a moment before he let go. Jared didn’t notice or didn’t care as he kept on his conversation with Heidi. Connor couldn’t make out her words through the phone but she sounded frantic. Just how far had Evan fallen? 

Jared hung up the phone and rolled out of bed. He started getting dressed and Connor followed suit. Jared paused. Connor looked at him and then Jared broke. He was sobbing and clinging to Connor. Connor stroked his hair and tried to coax words through Jared’s sobs. 

“Heidi went to check on him, he wasn’t in his room. She found a note. A fucking note Connor! He never planned on going to college.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“The job, Connor! He took it to save up for college, but he never planned on going.” 

“He never.. Oh. Oh my god.” 

“He wanted to pay for his own funeral.” 

Connor held Jared closer. Jared had always been the more emotional one of them. Connor already sees his walls coming up. He was preparing himself for the worst. 

“Hey, Evan’s going to be okay.” 

“He’s trying to kill himself and we’re an hour away! Where would he even go?” 

Connor thought about it. His attempt was in his own bedroom. Evan was making sure no one could find him. He was going somewhere only he’d know. Or somewhere only someone fifty-five miles away would be able to led help to. 

“The orchard. Evan and I would explore it sophomore year. He’s good with trees but I know that place like the back of my hand. Fuck, Jared we need to get there.” 

Jared was already grabbing hold of Connor’s hand and pulling him out of the dorm room. Connor was thanking every god he could think of for the school letting him have his car on campus. 

“You drive, I’ll call Heidi and let her know where to start looking.” 

\---

Evan was tired. His arm was sluggishly bleeding, already starting to clot. It wasn’t enough. He picked up the knife and brought it down again. 

\---

“Connor, Jared!” 

Jared had stayed on the phone with Heidi for most of the ride. She gave them updates on the search and so far it hadn't been good. The orchard was large and even with the police, the Kleinman’s, and the Murphy’s there hadn’t been much progress. 

The two ran over to her and pulled her into a hug. She looked tired and her eyes were red from crying. “Anything new?” 

“Nothing. They told me to stay out here but my baby’s in there, it’s killing me.” 

Connor looked towards the orchard. He had brought Evan here countless times. It was their place. He still hadn’t even properly brought Jared. Where would Evan go? There was the abandonned office, but that would be far too easy of a place to find him. Evan would have planned for this, he would have gone further, but not somewhere unfamiliar. 

“Ms. Hansen, do you trust me?” 

Jared looked confused. “Connor?” 

“Do you?” 

Heidi looked from Jared to Connor. “Yes, I do.” 

“Follow me.” 

Connor took off into the trees. Heidi and Jared shared a look before following. 

\---

Evan was cold. He thought he heard Zoe calling his name, but that couldn’t be right. Why would she be looking for him? Evan hurt her brother. 

\---  
“Connor! Where are we going?” Connor was leading the three, followed by Heidi, with Jared bringing up the rear. He was stumbling, not used to running through woods like this. Having an idea of where to go without having to suddenly vere right or left would help. 

“It’s just a little further!” Connor called back. There was one place Evan always came back to when they came here. Just a little further… “EVAN!” 

Connor stopped. Evan was slumped against the oak. He was far too still. Heidi screamed and Connor moved forward. He motioned for Jared to hold her back, just in case, and he did. Connor hesitantly kneeled down. There was blood all over Evan’s right arm, held loosely in his left hand was a knife Connor recognized as being Jared’s. He stared, praying to whoever was listening to let Evan be alright. Connor couldn’t lose Evan. 

Connor focused on his chest. It had to be there. It had to. Evan’s chest rose and then fell. Connor sighed in relief. 

“Heidi, he’s breathing!” 

Jared let go of Heidi and she ran over. She and Connor got to work on cleaning the blood as best they could while Jared called for help. He hated not being able to help but the two of them were more equipped with handling this. It was taking all of Jared’s focus not to faint at the sight of blood.

\---

“Don’t do this.” 

“Don’t leave us alone.” 

“You can’t break your promises.” 

“Evan, please wake up.” 

\---

The first thing Evan was aware of was the blinding white light giving him a headache. He groaned and tried to move his arm to cover his eyes but was unable to. His whole body hurt but the pain was intense in his arm. 

“Ow.” Evan forced himself to open his eyes. He was staring up at a white ceiling. It didn’t take much for him to realize he was in a hospital connected to many machines and regrettably alive. 

_How?_

Evan was certain he’d get it right. He had gone to bed and snuck out his window leaving his note behind. His mom shouldn’t have checked on him until the morning. Even if she had found the note she shouldn’t have been able to find him. So how? How did Heidi find him? How was he alive? 

“Hypovolemic shock.” 

Evan turned his head to see the source of the voice. In the recliner was an asleep Connor with his arms wrapped protectively around Jared. 

Oh. 

That’s how he was alive. Connor had told them where to look. And he apparently came back with Jared to visit him. 

“Wha?” 

“You went into hypovolemic shock, Evan.”

“Sorry.”

Jared carefully pulled himself from Connor’s arms. “You almost died, why are you saying sorry?”

“Because I tried to kill myself.” Jared frowned. He looked sad. Evan was the reason he was sad. Evan didn’t deserve his concern. “I’m okay though. You can go back to school.” 

“Why would we go back to school?” Jared crossed the room, which didn’t take much the hospital room was tiny, and stood next to Evan’s bed. Evan fiddled with the sheets to distract himself. “You’re hurting. Why would we leave you?” 

“Why wouldn’t you? I, we’re not friends anymore, right?” 

“Do you, do you not want to be friends?” 

“I just… I thought you guys didn’t like me anymore. I stopped talking to you and you guys stopped talking to me.” 

Jared’s heart broke. Of course that was what Evan thought. He and Connor were trying to give him space but in doing so they only helped with his isolation. Going by Evan’s reactions Jared had started crying again. He brought the sleeve of his jacket up to wipe away the tears. 

“Fuck, no, Evan. God, no. We never wanted to stop being your friend, we just thought you needed the space. Fuck. Fucking hell we didn’t even think about how alone you must of been.” 

Evan simply shrugged in response. Sure, he had been alone, but he expected it, was counting on it. That’s when the thoughts were the worst and he deserved them. 

“No, you stop that right now. I can tell where your mind is going. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve any of it. Prince of Darkness over there agrees.” 

“I do.” 

Evan looked over to Connor. He was half-asleep watching the two of them talk. Connor had done well at not letting either of them know he was awake. 

“But why? Why do you two still care? After everything I’ve put you through, you shouldn’t care. You’re supposed to forget about me.” 

Connor stood up to join Jared beside Evan’s bed. He wrapped his arm around Jared’s waist and pulled him close before addressing Evan. “We could never forget about you, Evan. You saved us. All we’ve ever wanted was to repay the favor but we failed you. It won’t happen again, we promise. You mean so much to us. More than you could ever understand, so please, forgive us.” 

Evan stared at his sheets. He wanted to say something. He wanted to tell them they had nothing to be sorry about, that he would always forgive them, but those weren’t the words they wanted to hear. They wanted him to be mad. They wanted him to blame them for something, but Evan couldn’t. 

“I-I’m sorry. About pushing you guys away.” 

“We don’t care about that, Evan. We just want you to be okay.” 

Evan nodded. He could do this. Opening up to them. They were still his best friends, right? 

“This wasn’t uh, the first time.” They looked confused. Evan wanted to keep them in the shadows but it was about time they all stepped into the light. “I wasn’t planning on just breaking my arm.” 

“Oh.” Was all Connor said before they were both breaking down. Jared had collapsed into Connor, the only reason he hadn’t fallen was Connor’s hold on him. 

“Please don’t cry.”  
“You lay that on us and expect us not to cry? Damn, Evan, never thought you were that evil. Fuck, wait, no that came out wrong. You’re not evil.” 

Evan ignored Jared’s fumbling in favoring of flicking a piece of fuzz off his blanket. His arm hurt but he didn’t want to interrupt whatever kind of moment this was to ask about painkillers. That meant letting someone know he was awake and Evan couldn’t deal with an evaluation right now. 

Connor sighed and pressed the call button on the side of Evan’s bed. “They’re going to make us leave, but we’ll be back. You’re not alone, Evan. You’ll never be alone again, we promise.”  
Evan managed a broken smile and nodded despite the tears threatening to fall. Before the nuse kicked the two of them out they each leaned down and kissed the top of Evan’s head. Jared ran out after the action but Connor hesitated. They were both red-faced but in a good way. 

Evan wasn’t okay, but for a moment he let himself pretend that things might be alright.


	2. connor in mediō

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wasn’t used to this feeling of uselessness. Typically he was on the other side instigating things. He could count on one hand the amount of times he watched a relationship fall apart in front of him like this. He never thought one day he’d be watching _his_ relationship breakdown. He had never experienced this before. He never had a relationship that could breakdown.

Connor wasn’t used to this feeling of uselessness. Typically he was on the other side instigating things. He could count on one hand the amount of times he watched a relationship fall apart in front of him like this. He never thought one day he’d be watching _his_ relationship breakdown. He had never experienced this before. He never had a relationship that could breakdown.

Right now he was wishing he still didn’t have one. It would be easier to be alone than watch the life he built collapsing in on itself. 

“I don’t see the problem!”

“The problem is we were worried about you.”

Evan was the worst. He didn’t yell. Evan hated yelling. No, he showed his anger through concise statements with a stern voice. Jared on the other hand, he didn’t know how to lower the volume of his voice. He was passionate. He slammed doors and vocalized his discontent. 

Connor pulled his knees to his chest. He was curled up in the corner of the couch watching as Jared and Evan traded heated words. Neither of them noticed when he came in the room. They didn’t notice when he sat down in front of them. They didn’t notice when he started to fall apart.

He was crying. A lot. The tears were silent. Connor wasn’t sure why, but he was scared to make any noise. 

_because they’ll go off on you. youre the real problem in this relationship._

He tried to ignore the voice. He really did, but it was hard. The voice was only speaking the truth. Connor was the problem. Nine times of out ten if there was a fight it was about him and his bad habits. Granted that wasn’t the case this time, but next time it would be. That’s just how things went. 

“I told you both I was going out tonight last week!”

“You said going out for the night, not sneaking back in at three am.” 

Connor decided to speak up before it got any worse. “I’m not that upset about it, just worri-” 

“I’m sorry that I feel like I have to sneak in because you wouldn’t let me leave otherwise.” Jared sounded calm, too calm. Connor wished his previous yelling was back. He at least knew how Jared felt when he was yelling. 

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly how it sounds. You two worry too much, it’s suffocating!” Jared was back to yelling. Connor couldn’t tell if he liked it or not. It was certainly easier to tell how he felt but the tension was thick. 

“Are we not supposed to worry? We all remember what happened last time one of us didn’t worry.” 

Connor flinched. He knew Evan didn’t mean it like that but how else was he supposed to take it? He fucked up and they all knew it. 

Jared seemed to have the same mindset as Connor in that moment which didn’t help. Jared wasn’t known for backing down from an argument. “Fuck you, Evan. We all know we almost lost him but that doesn’t mean you need to know where I am twenty-four/seven.” 

“I never said all the time, but if you’re going to be coming home at three am on a Saturday we deserve to know. Don’t you agree, Connor?” 

Two pairs of eyes were on him. Connor looked away in an effort to avoid their gazes. He had been hoping they forgot he was here, they seemed content on ignoring anything he had to say. 

“Are you really going to take Evan’s side in this?” 

“I wasn’t planning on taking anyone’s-” 

“Don’t be so snappy, Jared. Worrying about you isn’t taking my side, it’s wanting to know you’re coming home.” 

“I mean, if you’d let me-” 

“I’m being snappy? You jumped on me the second I came in the door!” 

“Guys, can we talk about this in-” 

“Because I was worried!” 

Evan never raised his voice. Why was he raising his voice? Connor couldn’t remember the last time he heard Evan talk so loudly. Actually, that was a lie. He could remember it perfectly clear. Connor had been drunk and Evan was pissed. He yelled at Connor for thirty minutes before calming down. And Connor just sat there. He wanted to say something but Evan had every right to be mad. This was the self destructive behavior Connor had sworn off and there he was falling back into old habits. 

“You’re always worried, and that’s my point! I can’t go anywhere without you needing to know where I am. It’s like you don’t trust me.” Jared frowned. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t trust me to go out with my work friends.” 

“Jared that’s not it and we both know it.” 

“Than what is it, Evan? Feel free to enlighten me!” 

Connor couldn’t breathe. This was too much. The walls were closing in and Jared and Evan wouldn’t. Stop. Fighting. 

“FUCK.” 

Connor pulled at his hair in a half-hearted attempt to ground himself. He thought he had left the fighting when he moved out of his parent’s house. He thought the nightly battles were over. He let go of his hair and scratched at his arms. Years worth of scarring covered them and this wasn’t healthy but he didn’t care. His skin felt wrong. Everything felt fuzzy. 

Something grabbed hold of his arms and held them apart. He fought against whatever it was holding them. It wasn’t fair. They were taking it away from him. He was stuck in his skin, they weren’t letting him be free. 

Someone was running their fingers through his hair. They massaged his scalp where he had been yanking. It was soothing. Connor leaned into the touch. 

“Shhh.” 

Connor shut his mouth. Had he been yelling? His throat felt like it but he couldn’t remember yelling. He couldn’t remember scratching his arms either but angry red lines decorated the skin where his nails hit a little too deep. 

“Shh, it’ll be okay Connor. Come on, darling, come back to us.” 

A pill was held to his lips. Connor opened his mouth and took it with the glass of water given to him. His arms were no longer being held down but he couldn’t move them. Everything felt heavy. Voices were speaking above him, soft voices. Connor heard apologies, “attack”, and “episode”. He didn’t want to think about the last two. He had been doing so well.

_“End of May or early June, this, picture perfect afternoon we shared.”  
“Drive the winding country road, grab a scoop at À La Mode and then we’re there.” _

Connor knew these voices. Evan and Jared. They never sang, not together. Connor always told them they’d sound good together, he wasn’t wrong. 

“Connor, are you alright?” 

Connor blinked. The blurry world came into focus and he saw the concerned faces of his two boyfriends. He wanted to say he was fine, but he remembered what put him there, what forced him into the corner. 

He scrambled away ignoring their hurt looks and shouts of concern. Connor ran to his room. They each had their own room in the house that the others couldn’t go into without permission. Of course that rule had exceptions like last year when Connor had been on the verge of an overdose.

He wasn’t going to try anything right now. He just, he needed the space. 

Connor climbed into the small twin bed pressed against the wall in the corner of the room. He slipped under the blanket and pulled it over his head like he used to when he was younger and his parents would keep him up at night with their yelling. 

He was safe here. In the morning he’d talk to Evan and Jared about what happened and where they would go from here, but for now he let himself have this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have ideas for sincerely three pls send them to me cause idk what to do after I finish the ones I have
> 
> fun fact, my original title for this was "connor in the middle (not in the fun way)" but that was too much to translate


	3. taenia nox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared wasn't sure why they kept asking the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sending thanks to kilala2tail for the idea of two ambushing the other with cheek kisses ahhhh

Jared was squished between Connor and Evan on the couch. He didn’t have a problem with it, in fact it was the exact opposite, but the two of them were more focused on annoying each other than watching the movie. Jared was slightly offended, he invited them into his home to watch one of his ironically favorite movies and here they were trying to distract everyone involved. 

“Pst, Evan. Hey, hey Evan.” 

Jared watched as another piece of popcorn flew in front of his face. He heard Evan gasp in shock and ready his own snack to throw back at Connor. Jared just sighed and leaned back into the couch. As much as he loved his boyfriends he’d much rather be ironically watching the movie without having to worrying about vacuuming the floor in the morning. Still, Jared couldn’t help the feeling of happiness in his chest when he thought about Connor and Evan both smiling and having a good time. It wasn’t often all of them shared a good day, usually one of them was off, so Jared couldn’t be too upset. 

At least until Connor threw the whole bowl of popcorn over Jared. It missed Evan by a good five feet but showered all of them and the floor in popcorn. Jared stared down at the mess. Then he looked at Evan who smiled innocently. Then he looked Connor in the eye. He had started this afterall. 

“You guys are cleaning up in the morning.” 

“Awe, but Jaredddddd.” Evan tugged on Jared’s sleeve with one hand and used the other to turn Jared’s attention to him. He was pouting. Jared knew what he was trying to do.

 _You can do this Jared. You can ignore Evan’s doe eyes. Be assertive, this is your house. Don’t give in._ “Nope, you’re making the mess, you get to clean it.” _Nice._

“You’re not fun, Jare.” Connor pulled Jared so he was sitting up again and not pressed into the cushions. Both Connor and Evan curled up against Jared and Jared was left wondering how he got this lucky. He had thought for sure everything was going to fall apart senior year with Evan pulling away and Connor’s attempt. It took all of Jared to keep them from breaking down. 

“How is it that I, the smallest of us all, is the one with two boyfriends clinging to him?”

“If you want us to move, we can.” 

Jared threw an arm around Connor and his other around Evan. “Nope. You choose this. You cannot leave now.” 

Evan laughed and snuggled close to Jared. Jared beamed and started playing with Connor’s hair. No one could blame him, Connor was leaning against Jared at the perfect angle for Jared to run his fingers through it. You can’t put Connor there and expect Jared not to play with his hair. 

With his two boyfriends finally being quiet Jared let himself focus on the movie once again. It was just as bad as he remembered it but that didn’t stop him from enjoying it. Sometimes the worst movies were the best, at least in Jared’s mind. 

“Hey, Jared?” 

“Hmm?” 

“What time is it?” 

Jared glanced over at the wall clock. “11:57, why?” 

“Mm, no reason.” Jared wasn’t sure he liked Evan’s response. He sounded like he was plotting something. Evan plotting something was never good. The last time Evan sounded like that Jared ended up stuck in a tree with pants on. 

Evan shifted so he was no longer curled up against Jared. He was still leaning against him, just sitting up. Connor mimicked the movement. Jared pouted because he couldn’t play with Connor’s hair anymore, or really have his arms around either of his boyfriends. It was one of the problems that came with being the shortest of the three. That and being used as an armrest. 

“Connor, time?” 

“11:59.” 

Jared was confused. “What’s with your obsession with the time, tonight?” Evan didn’t respond, just stared at Jared. Jared figured he was waiting for him to put it together himself. Something which didn’t happen. His birthday wasn’t until March, Connor’s was in week, and Evan’s wasn’t until September. He was going to ask when Evan kissed his cheek. No, scratch that, Connor also kissed his cheek. Jared was in the middle of a Connor and Evan sandwich with both of them kissing his cheeks and he wasn’t sure what was happening. 

“I, what?” 

Evan pulled away first and smiled. It was the goofy smile reserved for times when it was just the three of them. “Do you really not remember?” 

“Remember what?” 

“It’s New Years, idiot. And we were your midnight kiss.” 

“Oh.” That made sense. Earlier Jared wasn’t sure why Connor and Evan insisted on spending the night with him. Now that he knew he felt bad. He had completely forgotten about New Years. Evan probably hadn’t expected him to remember, many years of friendship and all that, but Connor didn’t know. 

“Stop worrying. No one cares you forgot.” Connor curled up against Jared’s side again. Jared went right back to playing with his hair. 

“I shouldn’t have forgotten. New Year’s is important. Especially for you two.” 

“So what? We made it through another year, it’s not that big of a deal.” 

How could Jared explain that it was? That he was so proud of both of them for making it through the year. Through the struggle he knew both of them faced on a daily basis. Words could not convey the love he felt for his boys. 

“It’s a big deal for me. You two are the best things in my life, and I’m proud of both of you. I know it’s not always easy.” 

“Jared, live for the moment. We can’t have all these sentimental moments while you’re making us watching Revenge of the Sith.” 

Jared gasped dramatically. “Connor! How dare you insult my favorite movie.” 

Evan laid his head down on Jared’s shoulder and took Jared’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “You’re weird, but I love you. Also if you ever say movie night and play the prequels again then I’m leaving.” 

“Damn Evan, you’re really taking New Year new you to heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my favorite thing about latin is the fact that modern words have been translated into latin, for example taenia can mean ribbon, film, tape, band, or movie 
> 
> ive got another new years thing that may or may not get finished and posted idk yet, only time will tell
> 
> also I fully believe Evan, once he's comfortable with someone, will be the biggest smack talker ever (I'm kind of basing him off my friend who has anxiety and if she's really comfortable with you she will call you out)


	4. mutila flores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared would rather die than have his feelings taken away.

The petals were blue and red. That was annoying. Annoying because the red wasn’t from blood like it used to be. No, he was coughing up red petals, actual red petals, and he knew exactly who was causing them. Connor fucking Murphy. Sure, Jared joked that he had a bad boy kink but fuck, he just had to go and get an unrequited crush on not just Evan Hansen, but also Connor Murphy. The two bigger outcasts than him. And then they had to go and fall in love with each other. That was just the icing on the cake because Jared got to see the two of them being all loving towards each other while he felt like actual death.

  
Fuck.

  
This was killing him. He couldn’t spend more than five minutes around the two of them without wanting to cough up his lungs. Which was pretty ducking difficult because Evan insisted on spending time with both of them. Jared longed for the days he could brush Evan off as being just a family friend. It was easier to avoid the petals that way but after finding out what happened the summer before senior year Jared could keep up the facade. Evan, his Evan, had felt so alone that he thought the only option he had was the most permanent one. So Jared sentenced himself to a life of blue petals and that was fine until Evan brought Connor along when they were meeting up for ice cream one day.

  
Jared knew who Connor was. Everyone knew who Connor was. He threw a printer at Mrs. G. in the second grade because she passed him up for line leader. He apparently threatened to kill his sister, the details were vague but Jared heard it was because she outed him to his parents, he was the textbook definition of a bad boy. And Jared found it hot. Unbelievably hot. Especially the way he was protective of Evan. Anyone who understood Evan’s insecurities and helped him rather than push him down had a plus next to their name in his book. Really it shouldn’t have been a surprise when he started coughing up the red petals along with his usual blue. Especially after Connor and Evan got together. Seeing the two of them actually happy just made it worse.   
Which led Jared to his current position. Kneeling in front of the toilet trying not to die. On the bathroom counter was a half-finished bottle of cough syrup. Jared wanted to take some more to try and dull the pain but he already had maximum dose and he really didn’t want to risk it. But his throat really hurt. So did his lungs. And his heart. Everything hurt.

  
Jared retched into the bowl again. A few petals fluttered out. It was unfair how gracefully they fell into the water even covered in blood. He groaned and shut his eyes. He could hear his phone ringing down the hall. It was likely Evan or Connor, no one else cared enough to notice he wasn’t in school. Jared figured he should check in at some point, let them know he was alive and somewhat well, but he didn’t want to move. Not when there was the risk of vomiting bloodily flowers everywhere. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hide that. He had no doubt his mom would take him to have the flower roots removed from his lungs if she knew he was suffering. Jared couldn’t let that happen. He’d rather deal with this pain than lose them. They were his friends, his only friends. 

  
He managed to pull himself away from the bowl and flush the toilet. The burning had gone down, he no longer felt like going back to bed was going to kill him. Jared grabbed the cough syrup and the trash can from the bathroom just in case. He dropped both of them on his floor and crawled into bed. His phone was flashing with texts. He unlocked it and was met with both Connor and Evan spamming their group chat.

_from: conman  
jared are you dead you weren’t in english_

_from tree:  
Jared wasn’t in English? Jared, are you okay?_

_from: conman_  
im sure he’s fine  
my bad influence is probably finally rubbing off on him   
you’re next tree boy

_from: tree  
I refuse to partake in anything illegal and or dangerous._

_from: conman  
didn’t say that when we broke into the orchard last week_

_from: tree  
That’s different!!!_

_from: conman  
how?_

  
There was a break in the messages after that until lunch.

_from: tree  
Jared, you haven’t responded yet. Are you alright? Do you need anything? I can stop by after school._

_from: conman_  
if you don’t respond i can and will stop by during school   
that’s it, im ditching third   
so’s evan  
told you id corrupt him

  
That was sent half an hour ago. If they actually waited until lunch ended to leave then they should be here soon. Fuck, Jared was not ready for that. Maybe he could pretend to be sick, it wouldn’t be too far off the truth and it’s what he told his mom earlier to skip school. Connor and Evan knew him better than her, but it might work.

  
Jared bundled himself up in blankets. Evan had seen him sick all the time when they were younger. He had to hope he could make himself look pitiful enough to trick Evan. (Jared ignored the small voice in the back of his head telling him that Evan and Connor might take care of him. He also ignored how excited that thought made him.)

  
Someone was knocking on the front door. Jared shoved his phone under his pillow and closed his eyes. He waited until he heard a key turn in the lock and the door open.

  
“Jared, you here?”

  
Jared made a weak noise. It wasn’t much but Evan must have heard it. There were two footsteps on the stairs.

  
“Jared?” Evan must have walked in the room, his voice sounded close. The burning feeling returned but Jared willed it to fuck off.

  
“You look like shit.”

  
“Connor! That’s rude. I’m sorry about him Jared. You look fine.”   
Jared cracked open an eye. Evan and Connor were awkwardly standing in the doorway. He gave them a small wave. Evan looked relieved to see Jared moving.

  
“Sup bros.”

  
Evan walked across the room and sat on the edge of Jared’s bed. He frowned down at the cough syrup and trash can. “Are you feeling alright?” Evan held the back of his hand against Jared’s forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”

  
Jared had to swallow down the urge to cough up the petals currently tickling the back of his throat.

  
“M’fine acorn, just woke up feeling a bit nauseous. Decided to take the day.”

  
“Could’ve texted us. We spent half the day worrying, you dick.”

  
Connor and Evan worried about him. Oh fuck, this wasn’t good. Jared couldn’t hold back the coughs that racked his body. Oh god. Oh no. _Ohnoohnoohno._

“Jared? Oh my god, are you okay? What’s wrong? Connor give me the trash can.”

  
Connor passed the can to Evan who handed it to Jared. Jared took it and spit up a bloody mess. He was fucked. They were going to find out. They were going to hate him. Oh god.

  
“Fuck dude, are you okay?”

Connor moved to sit on the other side of Jared. Jared, in turn, retched into the can again. More bloody petals. “Wait, fuck, oh my god, Jared is that what I think it is?”

  
“F’ck off, Connor.” Jared replied. Connor rubbed his back in a soothing way but it wasn’t helping his current situation. Why were the petals so bloody? They were never this bad. They shouldn’t be unless… _Oh. I’m dying._

  
Jared blinked.

  
He would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about death before. Doesn’t ever self-loathing high schooler think about it? But Jared had never thought about this killing him.

  
“Shit, fuck, Evan, what do we do?”

  
Connor sounded desperate. He also looked desperate. It wasn’t a good look on him.

  
“Oh god, Jared. Connor, call 911.” Jared was vaguely away of Evan’s hand in his face holding him so he was forced to look into his eyes. “Jared, you’re going to be okay. We’re going to get you help, okay?”

  
Jared shook his head, or at least he did the best he could with Evan holding him. “N-no. I don’t want the surgery.”

  
“Jared please, whoever it is, they’re not worth your life. Please Jared, we can’t lose you.”

  
“Ambulance is on the way.”

  
“They’re worth everything to me, Evan. Please, don’t let them take them away from me, Evan please.”

  
Connor was taking his hand and Evan was moving to stroke his hair. Jared squeezed Connor’s hand and leaned into Evan’s touch. He was dying, so he was going to take advantage of what he had been denying himself.

  
“Shh, it’ll be alright Jared, I promise. We’re going to fix this.”   
Jared was sobbing. Evan didn’t know what he was saying. Taking the roots away would be taking them away. Jared wouldn’t be able to handle that. Connor and Evan were the only good things in his life.

  
“Please. Please. Connor, Evan, please.”

  
Jared started coughing again. He was sure he looked like a mess with a mixture of saliva and blood dripping down his chin but he didn’t care. Not while they were here holding him telling him everything was going to be okay. For a minute Jared was able to pretend that he wasn’t dying and that these boys loved him.

  
And then everything went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s 3 am why did i write this

**Author's Note:**

> ive discovered a flaw with my titling system, idk if im using the correct forms (but to be fair adverbs are hard)
> 
> remember if you're struggling there are people you can talk to for help 1-800-273-8255


End file.
